Every moment

Arguments...happen in every relationship... whether it is a poison that bring damages to relationship or a medicine that strengthen our relationship, all depend on us..

argument makes us understand each other more, helps us to express our feelings and thoughts, creates a chance to learn to appologize and to forgive...isn't it great?

but well, it was really hard for us to get through arguments ...both of us have the principles to hold onto...thank God that He helps us to grow in this area where emotions have been stirring up so strong within us which had destroyed our wisdom to LOVE each other...

Thank God for His grace that now we become even sweeter than ever after all the arguments..and it is blessing-counting time!

He came to my house earlier than espected, he texted me 'i am outside your house now' when i was sleeping.. yes.. he was taking initiative trying to make me feel better...I brought him into my room.. looking at his tired face, I pulled him to my bed, allowing him to have some rest.. he is really not used to speaking I think, but after some time, he hugged me with his arm, pushed me towards him and we kissed.. I felt so touched as I knew that he has been moving out of his comfort zone (putting down his pride and make peace with me)...

then we had our lunch at a restaurant, it was my bad that I actually brought up again the issue that we were arguing.. and undeniably it started...in a more gentle manner this time.. I was trying to control my emotions and think wisely, in the end, I successfully stopped that argument and debate by letting go my need and respect his opinion.. he played his part well too in trying to comfort me as he knew that though that argument had been putting to an end, I was not feeling happy or persuaded...

on the way toward PJ live arts, we had fun in the car, I was making so much noise but I was surprised that he actually enjoyed... he smiled all the way and at that time I realized that, the more he smiles, the more happy I am.. his smile is influential ! 

Finally we reached.. he has a unique attitude and action that I could never find from other guys so far: he so dared to ask people for directions! well, this is a good characteristic indeed, as I was dead tired to see guys insist on not asking stranger for help for the sake of keeping their image...please la...

the show started and ended fast,  this was not because of the duration of the theatre was short, it was because the every moment I am with him, time always flies fast...and it was time to separate, before we get into his car, he bought me my favourite oreo biscuits which brighten my next day when I was starving and rushing to church.. it cheered me up during my frustration...

I fed him KFC throughout the journey heading back to Seremban... it was really a memorable moment...we laughed like crazy, shouted like mad, talking nuisance...this was how we treasure each other..

thank you Jerald for participating into my life and together we try our very best to create the memories and ignite the moments...and thank you god for creating this character, Jerald while writing my life story...

Be Appreciative

Getting into relationship is really life challenging...you got to accept his weaknesses as like how God accepted me despite of my sins.

my heart was pain...when he talked to me...and i could smell the smoke which was so strong coming out from his mouth... i know that he has been smoking, i don't know whether he has been putting effort in getting rid of the habit of smoking and fighting against it...he could be acting in front of me but i choosed to trust him and to trust God...no one could change him except for God and himself...i am praying for him...so that he can continue to move forward and never be discouraged by his failure, i proclaimed that no self-condemnation could draw him backwards...i hope i can be invited to involve into his life and always be his source of support and encouragement.

first time, he was crying in front of me, i din't know that i have been giving him so much pressure, making him thinks that he is not good enough...well, i am not good as well, i have my past, yet he accepted me without hesitation...i feel guilty of being unreasonably demanding, i feel guilty of being not understanding at all, i feel guilty of being self-fish..

if i am given a chance to show him how great he really is, i will show him myself, to let him know that loving me, such a broken person is already great enough..

well, there are something good throughout the trip, blessing counting is one way to learn to be appreciative! first of all, his awesome friend Zi Bing...i am thankful to meet him and given the chances to get closer to him...well, he is really a nice one to talk to, funny and 'like a boss' ..i felt so bad that i have been occupying Jerald, making him not being available for Zi Bing who was suppose to be the main person in this trip...he is lonely, and he needs attentions, he could not be fulfiled by anything accept God, i hope that one day he will receive the salvation from God and and feel the love of Jesus Christ, the only one..

then the food, the scenary, the environment and every moment when he was beside me were simple and nice, though i din't get the chance to hold his hand while visiting those wonderful garden and farm, but looking at his back, i felt the warmth...though sometimes i could not understand his emotions but it was cute in a way...watching someone that you love sleep at the night...is more than anything... i enjoyed throughout the trip...

Lastly, a bouquet of roses, it was the thing that i have been longing for...though there is no speechless surprise, no sweet awkward confession moment, but thinking of the HEARTwork that he did...i am satisfied...it was more than enough..

'a simple thing done out of a true heart is still touching' was what i was thinking...suddenly i realize that i grew to be more matured ...though there are still a lot to improve, i am amazed by my thoughts and attitude, i believe it is God who transform me with His powerful unconditional love...

I am worthy

i feel complicated, i am confused by myself....

finally, i told him the truth...i had been struggling since the first time we met each other.. i thought i could finally release myself from the feeling of guilty and self-condemned...but, it is just the opposite...the feeling of guilty and unworthy grew stronger...i know exactly why is it: he understands and accepted my past without slightest hesitation...he reacted just the opposite of what i have thought he would respond... do i deserve to have him? i am hesitating, he never asked me about my past, he tries to change for good, he does everything he could to qualify himself, he accepted me regardless of my past...
"the best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your flaws, mistakes and weaknesses but still thinks that you are completely amazing. " quoted from facebook. Do i deserve to experience this best thing in life? God, how can You send me someone who is so good that my mind could not comprehend ? 

he always say that i am a blessing to him...i never thought that i am..i am a disaster to him, disturbing and disrupting his life.. i am the root cause of making him smokes! i am so frustrated ..i hated myself..

in the night, we went for movie 'The White House', he held my hand throughout the movie show... at that moment, i felt so loved...he values me more than i value myself...i am someone precious to him..! Thinking back things that he had done- the bear, the converse t-shirt, the time he spent on driving me to and fro Malacca, the initiation he took to join christian society, the longest message that he sent to me, the way he looks at me, the affirmation that he gave me, the encouragement that he said.... 

Immediately, i woke up: how can i think myself so badly while he never thought me like that... i was being self-fish as i could make him sad or even annoyed when i continue to be self-pity and feeling low self-esteemed... i should strive to be better for him..never give him up is the only thing i should do to repay him... unless he first give me up...God, set me free from all the negative thoughts, resume my confidence, maximize me to be a wonderful woman whom he could proud of...continue to mold me so as to match him, the one You gave me..i hope i will be a blessing to him, to be the only one at his side, together we go through all the challenges in lives..together we grow stronger in Christ...together we experience the love of God...thank you God for him..

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here! 
                                                                                                                                 2 corinthians 5:17 

Beauty and roses

I love roses ! i was amazed by this creature, the masterpiece of the most awesome designer, our God ! thank God for the roses.
well, when come to roses, i believe that no girl will reject roses simply because it is lovely ! 
To me, roses represent women. 

layers of petals could indicate that a woman's heart could hardly be understood.. you got to tear them off piece by piece before you can really see its Heart ..so guys, put more effort and spend more time in understanding the one you love, you will discover more that benefit you as well..

Sharp thorns at the steam could symbolize persistence and patience that an woman has. Women may look week, fragile and soft outside but there is always a strong energy stirring within them..never underestimate an woman, once she has decided to do something, she can do it even better than a man..

so yea, roses. 
red roses suits me most, because i am so loved by God, courage-d, and romantic..red carries a love language which is 'i love you' ..
while white ones represent purity and innocence..it tells 'i am worthy of you'
light pink..well..it shows appreciation, how good will it be receiving pink roses from your beloved who is trying to tell you that you are so appreciated? the sense of secure could fulfill her and trust me, she will treat you like a king! So guys, never take things for granted, learn to say 'thank you' with pink roses..

number of roses that you are going to give is a book of knowledge too..
but there are three i wanted to emphasize..
the three love languages that you can never forget in an relationship !!
1 rose simply means 'i love you'...
11 roses represent 'Thank you, you are my treasured one; the one I love most in my life' i am hoping to get them..
15 roses represent 'I am truly sorry, please forgive me?'

This is what i am longing for : the right one will come to me one day with roses..
i am praying..very hard..

A good one

i have known this guy from a web..he requested to be my friend and dropped me a message with two words: "你好"...it was simple but it drew me to choose to reply him among all the other pending unread messages.. i was very straight forward..i invited him to add me as friend on facebook by giving him my facebook user name..not long after, he added me and i was given a chance to view his profile...mm...nothing much...but what impressed me the most was his religious view..he stated there 'satanism'..i was scared thinking that this fella must be a weird one..thus, i din't take initiative to text him until one day,
he texted me and we had started our very first conversation with a simple introduction..since i cant really remember his chinese name i gave him one which i think he will like 'Jerald' ...it went well..i feel comfortable chatting with him except for his religious view :( ..the next day, i took initiative to text him as that time i was bored with my exam revisions  and studies...slowly..it became my habit to text him on facebook everyday... we have unlimited topics to share with and through the conversations that we had, we got to know each other more and more...
few weeks later..we planned to go Melacca and...we had our first meet-up..
he drove all the way from JB to Seremban, and our meeting place was at Jusco..when i finally got into his car, he delivered me a bottle of 100plus.. i said in my heart :"woops, he is caring"..finally, we arrived at Melacca...a lovely place..we both were hungry thus our first meal was none other than mcd !! when we reached the place he stays...it was already 11 something at night..i was really tired as i came straight from my   work place...the first thing i did was...shower..!! after i had finished showering, as usual i dried my hair, when i walked out from his washroom, he was starring at me for ...few minutes...i was wondering why...there was a few-minute awkward moment and to get rid of that awkward-ness, i asked "why?"..he din't say anything but shaking his head to indicate 'nothing'...
i was happy, not because of the attractiveness that i have ..but the attention that i have never gotten from anybody included my ex...at that moment, i felt my existence..and i felt that i am valued..

the first night was awkward, he was shy..and i felt bad that he gotta sleep on the floor so that i could sleep on his bed which is obviously more comfortable..hmm..in the end we exchange..that make me feel better but it was his turn to feel bad...lastly, we decided to sleep on the same bed..with no one sleeping on the floor..it was a win-win situation..we were facing together then he asked "can i hug you" and i answered "yea, sure"..slowly our face getting closer and closer...he kissed me..i was hesitating but it lasted only few minutes, thinking of all the details that he had done to me, i replied his kiss..

we ended our first day..a simple day..

Initiative

i admire guys who take initiative and active in a relationship rather than being passive and do nothing but waiting to be served..we are not your maid !!
well, in my church, i am appreciative that i am trained to be active and always take extra miles in caring people...i am not self-praising but it was what my friends told me..i am so thankful that i received such wonderful comments from the people around me.. after few broken boy-girl relationships that i had in the past, i told myself that never take things for granted, be appreciative and when you get your mind-set right, you will be able to love by being responsive and expressive in a relationship..
guys, these are for you:

take initiative to respond to her love !
As i said, never take things for granted, when she has been feeling sad for whatever reason, respond to her feeling, comfort her with a hug or affirm her with your words...when she is asking you for opinion, never say 'do things as you like'...when she is asking, it indicates that she wants to discuss with you, she wants to know what you think but not what she herself thinks...when she wants someone to talk to, offer your ears and listen to her attentively...neglecting her can be very damaging to a relationship !!

take initiative to express your love !
sometimes, especially those chinese educated people (my daddy), are too shy to express their love, they think that a real man is the one who does big things, buying flowers or saying sweet words are humiliating. 'Loving her in my heart will do, i don't need to let her know'...this is extremely wrong..if you never take initiative to do extra things, to show your love, she will never know! Slowly, the girl will lost the sense of secure, thinking that you don't love her anymore as she is not good enough. When a girl reflects such emotions to the guy, the guy for sure will think that she is demanding and not understanding at all..!!  
well, 'extra things' might not be those that are expensive, giving her a hug from her back while she is working and says "you are so attractive", or you can surprise her with a card and roses... kissing her for no reason, embrace her with your arm or even touch her face in the night..these little actions could make a great difference in your relationship..!

well, girls' emotions should and must be taken care.. i confess that sometimes we are fragile, and i am proud to say that because this is the way god created us..we were created to be protected by men..we do not need to be strong enough! bible stated that woman was created to help man...we are helper, if we are stronger we are not helping our men to become a maximized men that god has created them to be! (revelation..hehe...)
so, we are weak in term of emotions, we need to be loved, to be cared, to be protected internally..
so guys, 
don't do nothing but something, don't do something but extra ! be blessed...

TimeLess

                                i just want to have some time with him but he seems unable to make time for me...
no..
he does not want to..even one minute..
how i know? 
he plans his days without my existence in

his time table..

am i suppose to comfort myself by saying that he is really busy?

or should i face the reality and truth that he actually cares his friends and activities more than me?

...does he really love me?

i am hesitating..especially....

when he does not fulfill his promises..

when he leaves me alone without slightest concern and care..

when i am unhappy...

he asks me why before reflecting of what he had done to me..

when i am complaining...

he keeps protecting himself by giving unreasonable excuses ..

he does nothing when i am angry..

he thinks that saying sorry will do...

he does nothing when i am sad..

he thinks that i am being too emotional..

he does nothing when i am disappointed..

he thinks that i am very demanding....

he does nothing except for giving excuses saying that he don't know what to do, he is innocent.

i scolded him..

i talked to him nicely..

i showed him what to do to make our relationship better..

pointless..

meaningless..

it seems that i am the only one putting effort in this relationship...

it does not balanced anymore...

my heart is getting colder..

i have used to be alone... i think..