i feel complicated, i am confused by myself....
finally, i told him the truth...i had been struggling since the first time we met each other.. i thought i could finally release myself from the feeling of guilty and self-condemned...but, it is just the opposite...the feeling of guilty and unworthy grew stronger...i know exactly why is it: he understands and accepted my past without slightest hesitation...he reacted just the opposite of what i have thought he would respond... do i deserve to have him? i am hesitating, he never asked me about my past, he tries to change for good, he does everything he could to qualify himself, he accepted me regardless of my past...
"the best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your flaws, mistakes and weaknesses but still thinks that you are completely amazing. " quoted from facebook. Do i deserve to experience this best thing in life? God, how can You send me someone who is so good that my mind could not comprehend ?
he always say that i am a blessing to him...i never thought that i am..i am a disaster to him, disturbing and disrupting his life.. i am the root cause of making him smokes! i am so frustrated ..i hated myself..
in the night, we went for movie 'The White House', he held my hand throughout the movie show... at that moment, i felt so loved...he values me more than i value myself...i am someone precious to him..! Thinking back things that he had done- the bear, the converse t-shirt, the time he spent on driving me to and fro Malacca, the initiation he took to join christian society, the longest message that he sent to me, the way he looks at me, the affirmation that he gave me, the encouragement that he said....
Immediately, i woke up: how can i think myself so badly while he never thought me like that... i was being self-fish as i could make him sad or even annoyed when i continue to be self-pity and feeling low self-esteemed... i should strive to be better for him..never give him up is the only thing i should do to repay him... unless he first give me up...God, set me free from all the negative thoughts, resume my confidence, maximize me to be a wonderful woman whom he could proud of...continue to mold me so as to match him, the one You gave me..i hope i will be a blessing to him, to be the only one at his side, together we go through all the challenges in lives..together we grow stronger in Christ...together we experience the love of God...thank you God for him..
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!
2 corinthians 5:17
No comments:
Post a Comment